Today, I thought it might be interesting to examine the life of the illusive Woo-Girl. I believe the term was first coined in one of my favorite episodes of How I met Your Mother. This categorization has gone on to become an important tool in their detection, which is an important life skill, if you wish to refrain from becoming affected by or afflicted with the species' vapid and most peculiar social behaviors.
Although not difficult to spot in the wild, you need to know the signs in order to be prepared for
a possible face-to-face interaction with the Woo-Girl.
By far, the most famous and telling sign is their mating call.
Enthusiastically social creatures, Woo-Girls exhibit their excitement loudly and obnoxiously, and they make sure other mammals know exactly what they think is Awesome. The most entertaining part of this creature is that they think everything is Awesome! We are to know that they are having fun because they scream "WOOOOOO!" repeatedly in unison with their pack which consists of a minimum of at least other 3 other Woo-Girls. This, along with booty-driven dance moves and flailing arm movements - the kind which seem to be only fully mastered by ex-cheerleaders and baton twirlers.
The majority of Woo-Girls range between the ages of 18-35. After the age of approximately 35, they mature ever so un-gracefully into their full blown leopard print wearing cougar-dom. Notice the Woo-Girls dancing to Rihanna, Kelly Clarkson and the Black Eyed Peas. Do you see the women dancing to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Matchbox Twenty and Bon-Jovi? Those are the Cougars. It's important to note the difference
between a Woo-Girl and a Cougar. Oftentimes, the similarities are very difficult to distinguish.
These creatures form large flocks, composed of dozens or even thousands of Woo-girls at a time[see: Justin Beiber live], managed by a complex government that perplexes scientists alike to this day. WG communities are typically headed by a queen, whose function in life is to flaunt her mammary glands in order to acquire free martinis for her herd, which in turn ensures the survival of the colony. Male Woo Girls- or Bro's as you may know them, have only one goal in life: mating with the queen. After they have performed their duty, they may die. Or more commonly, stop calling back. Bro's are typically known to buy large trucks, and show bouts of physical power [such as bar fights] to attract the female WG. Both sexes of this species spend hours upon hours carefully grooming themselves to achieve the EXACT same look as their pack members, possibly to also remove small ticks and other insects.
The Californian Woo-Girl is also notorious. Found primarily in trendy bars near college campuses, they infest hundreds of clubs and are said to be able to cover at least one-fifth of the Earth's land surface. Aside from the nuisance factor, Woo-Girls are the primary carriers of some of the world's most deadly diseases. While it is known that they survive primarily on 1/2 off appetizers and fruity Cosmo's, they also ingest high volumes of lettuce, Red Bull, Balance Bars and Vitamin Water.
So you wanted to try a new bar, and unknowingly stumbled into a Woo-Girl's hive:
the arid environment of a douchy, tasteless bar in Los Angeles. Immediately, you will spot a drink known as a fishbowl. It is, literally, a fishbowl: filled with vodka, accompanied by about 8 straws, topped by a floating plastic shark that most certainly contains BPA. Woo-Girls are like Honey Badger, in that they don't give a shit about industrial chemicals. Or anything else.
It's important to remember that Woo-Girls are not domesticated. They are dangerous, wild creatures that cannot be trusted.
Woo-girls are opportunistic drinkers, fond of brightly colored free shots, and mind-numbing television programming such as The Bachelor. It is important to note that they do not watch these shows ironically. Because of these risk factors, WG become highly destructive roommates and horrible long-term mating choices. They're very expensive to maintain, practically impossible to put up with, and they need a stream of constant attention and reassurance. This is something that one needs to consider before befriending or marrying a Woo-Girl, which is obviously not recommended by professionals.
The only silver lining to that overly glittered, Hollister wearing, flock of Woo-Girls in your favorite bar, is that they are a reliable source of entertainment- if you enjoy people watching. In addition to this, they always have extra body spray in their faux Louis Vuitton.
All Woo Girls need alcohol to breed, so population-control efforts usually involve removal or price-raising of all local Happy Hour and Jello Shot sources. However, our combined efforts to stop the spread of Woo-Girls are having little to no effect, and many specialists in the field predict that global warming as well as the opening of new BJ's restaurant locations will likely increase the overall Woo-Girl population.